Avatar Review - Spoilers

Guess which movie I saw today?

Early concept art for Avatar

I'll be the first to admit that I went into Avatar with the full intention of loathing it. When my mom said she wanted to go see it, I turned into a ball of snarl and rage, but she had the final say in movie pick since she was paying. So I figured I'd at least try to make snarky lemonade out of it.

Going in the theater, I expected to fall in love with the visual effects and hate the story, but I also kind of feared actually liking the movie and having to deal with more self-loathing than from seeing Twilight. Twice. Fortunately, I don't have to berate myself mentally for the next few days. And the only thing I liked about the visual effects were the N'avi themselves. Whatever face-capture thingie James Cameron used was pretty badass; seeing catsmurf!Sigourney Weaver for the first time was the high point of the movie for me. However, while the Pandoran flora and fauna were very pretty, I don't think their animation was game-changingly beautiful/realistic. Although, as a life-long Nintendo fan, I've convinced myself that kickass graphics are a unnecessary luxury, so your mileage may vary.

While we're still discussing the visuals, I'll slip in a quick little rant here: I appreciate the fact that you didn't give your female aliens giant blue bazookas, James Cameron, but I still saw a lot of catsmurf!Zoe's underboob cleavage. Damn closet furry director.

And now to the story itself. Basically, it's Pocahontas, except Kocoum survives, or Fern Gully, but with less subtlety. That's right, James Cameron spent ten years and enough money to buy a small country on a movie less subtle than FERN GULLY, whose villain was A GODDAMN SKELETON MADE OUT OF OIL THAT KILLED SMALL WOODLAND CREATURES FOR FUN.

Wait, is this supposed to be a metaphor for something?

So the evil imperial humans have come to the beautiful, pristine world of Pandora in order to mine it for Unobtainium.

Stop. Read that last word out loud. UN-OBTAIN-IUM. Pronounced exactly like that. *facepalm*

Get it? Because the humans can't obtain unobtainium because it's all under Grandmother Willow the Mother Tree. And the goddamn hippy catsmurfs won't leave their goddamn tree so Mr. Corporate Executive who practices his golf with a coffee cup in his office can meet his quota of unobtainium and make the shareholders happy. So he's brought in General Scarface to blow the shit out of everything.

When we first see Pandora, General Scarface explains that IT IS THE MOST FUCKING DANGEROUS PLACE EVER AND THOSE TEAL-AND-PURPLE FLOWER RHINOS WILL KICK YOUR PUSSY ASS. Yes, they expect us to believe that the humans with all their missiles, robot fighting suits, machine guns, and helicopters are in mortal danger from what the catsmurfs handle with bows and arrows.

But of course, the catsmurfs can handle Pandora because they are the NOBLE SAVAGES. And no, that's not racist because they're blue so they're not connected to any actually ethnic groups. But being noble savages, they are pure but inferior so they need a white man to lead them, and oh! look at that - Jake Sulley, ex-Marine, has learned the catsmurf ways. In less than three months, he's learned a couple of handy phrases in catsmurfish, mindraped a dragon with his ponytail, and had sexytimes with Princess Zoe under Grandmother Willow, so the N'avi accept him as one of their own. And since Jake Sulley is white he has a brilliant idea that none of the stupid catsmurfs could come up with: Let's resist the humans when they try to blow us up. And although the silly catsmurfs have dreadlocks and Ethiopian accents and Native American-like dress, it obviously isn't racist because they're blue and not brown. *headdesk*

Also, since the catsmurfs are so very in touch with nature, their spiritual leader must be female. Because the wimmins are all earthy and can talk to trees and shit. *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Anyways, General Scarface leads the humans to bomb the shit out of the catsmurfs, but oh snap! Grandmother Willow sends out the teal-and-purple flower rhinos and together with the catsmurfs and their dragons they drive off the evil humans. Hurray! The last rainforest is safe again!