LIVE BLOG: Scream Awards 2009

UPDATE 11:58 EST:

Stan Lee is amazing. I hope one day to dress only in khaki and still be one of God's greatest gifts to humanity.

UPDATE 11:49 EST:

If Morgan Freeman weren't currently dating his 27(?)-year-old step-granddaughter, I would be crazy excited about him presenting. He's kind of lost that magic touch. BUT he presented the Ultimate Scream Award to Star Trek.

BUT the Shat accepted said award, telling J.J., "Call me."

I still don't think William Shatner realizes that he's a jackass.

UPDATE 11:33 EST:

Elijah Wood and his ridonckulous eyes presented for Best Fantasy. Twilight won. Taylor Lautner accepted. Behind-the-scenes footage of New Moon, which is apparently going to be "stepped up a whole 'nother notch". The Twilight Saga, now with more spray-tanned jailbait.

UPDATE 11:11 EST:

They introduced Liv Tyler as being 'half-elf'. I am full of glee. She's so fabulous.




Scream Awards 2009

Alright, so I'm live-blogging the Scream Awards in the most half-assed way possible. You see, my partner in crime/evil twin/favorite person is currently in bed with a nasty fever and icky cough. And by icky I mean absolutely disgusting. Thus, I'm going solo on this project while simultaneously trying to do real-life productive things.

The Scream Awards, it would seem, are one giant WTF. Let's recap:

Male Breakout Performance went to Taylor Lautner for his incredible artistic ability and general contributions to the betterment of humanity. Or at least that seems to be the opinion of the masses. My pick was this asshole:

Best Science Fiction Actress went to Megan Fox because Spike is run by womanizing assholes who still manage to pick fantastic programming.

Of course, what makes up for all of the WTF is the OMG of the most attractive man of all time giving the Best Director award to another person who's full of win:

Ode to Geocities

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Geocities, can it be? Thou hast been slain.
O fandom, my fandom, where wouldst thou be
Without the sites emerging from that fine piece of junk?

Blinkies, broken links, animated gifs, marquees galore.
These are only few of treasures thou hast shared
through your Sailor Moon tributes and Buffy whatfore.
Many a college-aged nerd looks back and sighs
at the first shameful, yet classy, love they bared.

O Geocities, long-dead husk of a bygone era,
My Lord of the Rings fanfic lays embalmed in your servers.
Let it rest in peace where no one, not anyone in err,
not future employers, potential spouses, nor parents alike
will gaze upon its grammatically questionable fare.

RIP Geocities. We knew thee too well.

(Yo, Keats, thanks for the first two lines, dawg. If you weren't down with the tuberculosis, I was going to suggest we go out for coffee or something sometime.)

I got a case of the Shame.

Have you ever accidentally blurted out Leonard Nimoy’s entire filmography in front of group of Sperry-wearing prepsters who don’t know a phaser from a lightsaber? Ever discussed that time you cosplayed Sylvester McCoy’s Doctor with a sophomore who will most likely dress up as a slutty mouse for Halloween?

Then you may have experienced the phenomenon known as Nerd Shame. Symptoms include stuttering, rapid backtracking, and, eventually, blushing and/or rationalization (i.e. “I WAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL!”).

I am here to tell you it is never warranted.

My solution: find some new friends, you nerfherder. There are plenty of guys and gals out there – well, maybe not “out there” per say, more…in-there-avoiding-the-sunlight – who understand what Courage Wolf is.

But we don’t have an official nerd signal yet and wearing pins is just awkward. My strategy is always pairing a nerdy shirt with nearly endless references to internet memes. It both drives normal people away (I’m so alone…) and attracts the Comic-Con set. So, wear that shirt with an Iron Man-related pun. You just may wrangle yourself a companion more loyal than that fop, C-3PO.

We need to band together outside of Cons, people. Start a Sci-Fi society through Student Activities at school. Lobby Congress for increased access to teleportation. There are dozens of us!
Dozens!

If, like me, you go to school where people enjoy the films of Sandra Bullock unironically, my advice still does not change. Learn to wear the Shame as a badge of honor. Speak about the merits of the Quenya versus Sindarin dialect of Elvish. Be a nerd!

Wait...the 'Phantom Menace' was a reference to Palpatine?

I have tons of reading to do tonight, but since I'm already not getting any sleep this week and will probably be up tonight until kingdom come, I figured I would open up a new debate. I have a feeling that we're going to have a hard time staying classy with this one. The question:

Did anything positive whatsoever come out of the Star Wars prequels?

There are about a million facets to this, but I'd like to touch on just a few. Before that, though, I'll tell you that my answer to the question is...yes.



Don't hurt me. I can rationalize the shit out of this. Or at least try.

First and foremost, I would like to think that George Lucas got to just get a whole bunch of ridiculous shit out of his system. It had been building up for a decade, folks. We can probably assume that after Star Wars was over, he didn't go with the norm and shove all of his typewritten screenplay pages, sketches, letters from fans, and nude photographs of Mark Hamill into a closet in the back of his office (which, by the way, is a 4,700 acre plot of land in Marin County, CA, aptly named Skywalker Ranch). No, indeed. Lucas most likely spent everyday taking a boat out on Ewok Lake (if you think I'm kidding, you didn't read the whole page) and obsessing over how he could bring all of the magic back. As. Soon. As. Possible.

All things considered, the turnaround was pretty fast. Return of the Jedi came out in 1983, and The Phantom Menace was released in May 1999. The man had had the prequel stories planned out since 1976, and by 1994, he had begun to write them. He wanted this to happen so fucking badly that a mid-life crisis and his own better judgment could not stop him. So, happen it did, and here we are. But back to my original point. I fear that, had Lucas let the crazy build up inside of him any longer, he may have either exploded or started releasing the films during the Bush presidency. The former would have been extremely upsetting, and the latter would have resulted in suicide on a mass scale because of the general population's inability to psychologically cope with two unholy events of such magnitude occurring at the same time.

We should just be thankful that he got it out of his system. After the end of the prequel trilogy, George Lucas was clearly finally satisfied and thus ready to retire the lightsaber for good.



Fuck.

Before They Were Geek Bait

Today we bring you six actors and the embarassing/Oscar nomination-garnering films and television shows in which they appeared when they thought no one was watching. Well, I guess no one was watching. But now we are. Enjoy!

6. Robert Downey, Jr. in Chaplin
Before Robert Downey, Jr. was Tony Stark, he was Charlie Chaplin. Actually, he was a seemingly-incorrigible cocaine and Valium addict whose career was tanking faster than...well...it didn't actually tank that quickly. For some reason (probably because he's talented and beautiful) people kept casting him in spite of his many issues, and he kept blowing his chances. But before that, he was nominated for an Oscar for Best Actor in Chaplin.





5. Elijah Wood in North

I haven't got anything witty to say about Elijah Wood. Rather, I just find it interesting that his acting ability peaked at the age of eight.



4. Daniel Radcliffe in David Copperfield

The most shocking thing I learned from this was that Dan also reached the pinnacle of his acting potential before adolescence. I think it just went downhill from there. Somehow, part of being in a Harry Potter film means that you don't actually have to act. I'm assuming this is because the studio can expect a minimum box office take of five hundred gajillion dollars regardless.





3. NPH in Doogie Howser, M.D.

Long before he stole our hearts as evil genius Dr. Horrible, NPH starred in his own sitcom about a super-genius child doctor. Some will argue his role as Doogie or as Barney in How I Met Your Mother are actually far more well known than his role as the titular super-villain in Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. These people are wrong.



2. Christian Bale in Newsies

Although the future Batman also appeared in Disney's Pocahontas as Thomas, his role in Newsies is far more emasculating. If you ever wondered why the Joker can't stop laughing his ass of when the Dark Knight's around, start watching at 2:13.





1. Zachary Quinto in Touched By An Angel

This one was a difficult choice considering how ZQ and his eyebrows also made appearances in Lizzie McGuire and in Charmed, the latter role being comprised primarily of chasing after and attempting to kill cats. Interestingly, he had the same haircut in all three of these. This makes me wonder whether he began wearing the fug hat simply to try to fend off the hair and makeup artists of Hollywood who seem to think that he looks just fabulous with an emo do. Anyway, I'm slightly disappointed that the angels are doing the touching and not other, more appreciative people. And by that I mean myself. Or Jessica. But mostly me.

Welcome to Spock Blocked

Here's the deal: We're nerds. It wasn't some adolescent phase, and we aren't trying to pass ourselves off as ironic hipsters. We have a fucking cardboard Spock in our living room. And this is our story.

One day in the mid-90s, in a shitty apartment somewhere in the Midwest, Brittany's father brought home a barely functioning Nintendo Entertainment System. After putting in Super Mario Brothers/Duck Hunt and beating on the top of the NES for 30 minutes, a nerd was born. Meanwhile, in a somewhat less shitty suburban house in a slightly more southern part of the Midwest, young Jessica was probably running around in her front yard in a training bra and undies, playing Wonder Woman and trying to catch the dogs with her Lasso of Truth. In the years that followed, they began to notice something different about themselves. Their peers weren't squandering their allowance on Frying-Pan Action Samwise Gamgee action figures. They were the only girls elbowing their way through the crowd of smelly boys grubbing for the new Pokemon cards at the local Vintage Stock. Even their friends who liked Harry Potter were getting tired of hearing their latest theories and sentence-by-sentence deconstructions of the books. They were forced to pursue their fandoms through Al Gore's most famous invention, the Internet.

But then, something surprising happened. They ended up at the same yuppie East Coast institution of higher learning. In a failed attempt to bond with their floormates, they went to movie night in the common room. To their chagrin, all the other girls on the floor wanted to watch some lame-ass romantic comedy with a certain unnamed surfer bum, who is apparently supposed to be attractive. Brittany declared that she was going back to her room to watch 300 instead. She asked (futilely, she thought) if any other brave souls wanted to join her. "Sure! I'd enjoy watching some Spandex-clan Spartan warriors," Jessica replied. (Okay, so maybe that wasn't exactly how it went down, but you know it's what I was thinking. -J)

And now they're co-writing a blog while a cardboard Spock looks on.